In the past two weeks or so, I have driven across the country with my daughter, flown to Kauai, and moved into a new place near Nawiliwili Harbor (try saying that three times fast). And along the way,,, the things I’ve heard and the things I’ve seen:
1. “Kick me in the nut sack. $20.” ~ Cardboard sign held by a guy sporting a speedo outside Caesar’s Palace, Las Vegas.
2. “What do you mean the valet didn’t give you a card when you checked your car? Here’s a lost form and a pen.” ~ Female valet at Caesar’s Palace.
3. “No, the ride’s not broken. It’s just malfunctioning.” ~ Worker for roller coaster at the Stratosphere in Las Vegas. She uttered these words before attempting to push the launch button and send us 110 stories above the ground without seat restraints.
4. “Stop being such an asshole. You’re always an asshole. I can’t stand all this unnecessary drama.” ~ Blonde princess on Mission Beach, California.
5. Obese Chinese man fondling his ear hair like a little girl playing with her ringlets. ~ Waiting in line for hostess in California.
6. “I like your hair. I like your braids. I like your eyes.” ~ Surf bum looking to join my daughter and me for breakfast at Kono’s on Mission Beach. My daughter’s hair was in one braid, but apparently he saw more.
7. “Everything comes out of a woman. You respect your mother and your auntie, because everything comes out of a woman.” ~ Drunk, but harmless, and very nice man speaking to my daughter and her friend at Kalapaki’s Beach, Kauai.
8. “You failed. Try again next Friday.” ~ Lady at the DMV after she graded my driving test.
9. The prior tenant in our new house was a lovely woman named Almond. Her friend Joy was visiting. (Note: read this one a couple of times. You’ll get it. And no, I’m not making this up.)
10. “Don’t piss off the aunties.” ~ Advice from a guy on the beach.
Yep, that pretty much sums it up!
Sherry Gorman 